Dating Takes WORK

Well, courting takes work. But there's just something about that word courting that adds a few extra pounds to a sentence. When you say, "courting" it adds a layer of responsibility and officialness (is that a real word?) to a relationship. It's like when you finally mastered those 20 lunges on each leg then your personal trainer says do it again, but this time he puts 10 pound dumbbells in each hand. That's courting. 

I've already told you guys that when Rob first asked me to be his girlfriend, he had a plan. This wasn't going to be one of those relationships where you essentially just have a partner to go to the movies with and someone to text all night about nothing. This was going to be something more. 

One of the first things we set into place in our relationship was weekly Bible study. We chose a relationship study geared toward courting couples. It was a good way to fuel conversations and work through Biblical principles about relationships together. This Bible study was not always an easy decision to actually do. Most times we would meet at Starbucks at 7 am or earlier on a Saturday morning before Rob went to his job. Courting takes work.

“Courting takes work”

We don't do overnight trips very often. It's only happened a couple of times. One time was in August of that first year we were dating. We met in Dallas for MegaFest and then stayed for Adventure Saturday. We had two rooms. The next summer we took a road trip to Ohio to visiting my family then to Michigan to visit his family. We stayed with family or we had two rooms. In this day and age, everyone understands to economic benefit of staying together. With there being a lot of people around us who are choosing to move in together, the decision to stay in the same room should have been a piece of cake. If you've ever paid to stay overnight in a hotel, I don't need to explain to you how expensive it is. I also don't need to clarify for you the difficulty of the decision to hit the button that increases the number of rooms on the hotel website, and request that hotel to double the price of your overnight stay.

For us, there were things that outweighed the increased dollar amount of getting separate places. There is an increased level of temptation that goes along with staying together. I don't simply mean the temptation to sleep together, but also to get to a level of comfort and familiarity with each other that is not safe or wise of us to have while we are courting. Another big thing for us was that we did not want to taint our testimony. We wanted to be able to tell our friends and our children (one day guys, hold off) that it is possible to do it God's way and be successful. We wanted to be able to witness the fact that courting based on Biblical principles comes with a lot less of the headaches and heartbreaks that courting based on worldly principles comes with. Courting takes work.

“Courting takes work”

We then moved into completing our bachelor's and master's degrees in pre-marriage classes. Well, that's not what it's officially called, but that is what it feels like. We started an 11 week class in September of that first year for pre-engaged couples. This class sparks a lot of conversations that typical "dating" couples don't talk about. We had to discuss everything from what we specifically expected out of marriage to how we would feel about moving an aging parent into our home once we are married with anything and everything between. We had homework every week and had to do our homework separately, because our answers were not allowed to be swayed by our significant other, then after completing our homework we would bring it together and discuss.

After that we had another 11 week class for engaged or going-to-be-engaged couples. This class was to teach Godly principles to instill in your marriage. We discussed the ups and downs, trials and tribulations that often affect people in their marriages and how to look at them from a Godly perspective. For example, we future wives learned how to speak to our husbands when we are frustrated about his not taking the trash out for three weeks without ruining our whole marriage over some trash. We learned Godly "tools" to put into our marriage tool belt. Courting takes work.

In that second class we learned that marriage takes work. We had to recite it every class. I'm under the opinion that courting also takes work. And it isn't for punks!

“Courting takes WORK and it ain’t for PUNKS.”

The Lover's Pursuit - The Courtship Conclusion (sort of)

Congratulations! You made it all the way to the last part of this series of posts I started 2 months ago. It won't even be a long post (I hope). I have talked about why I structured our relationship the way I did. Why I chose friendship, even when I knew I liked her, before trying to court her. Why I did not choose a progression of casual to serious dating before deciding to make things more official. Those were all previous posts (hint: so check them out if you haven't already).

I also talked about what it took for me to ask if I could court her. I did not yet mention this one particular tenet of courtship that is quite unpopular nowadays.  I asked for permission to court her. I first got the approving advice of my father and family, who had met her already. After I asked her, and she said yes (after the second try), I then asked permission of her parent for permission to court her daughter.

“I asked her mom for permission to court her daughter. I asked my dad too.”

Yup. I. Asked. For. Permission.

Courtship is a family affair. I know it's counterintuitive, countercultural, counter-everything-you-planned-on-doing. But I have learned that God does not bless relationships that are not condoned by parents. When your family doesn't get along with the person in which you are interested, that is a red flag. You're probably thinking of a thousand reasons why I am wrong on this. You're also probably of the opinion (like I was) that my parents don't get to decide my relationships for me, and I will date who I please and love who I love. Well, I've told you how that worked out for me. You probably have some stories of how that has worked out for you.

Proberbs 21:1 says that "The king's heart is in the hand of the Lord, like the rivers of water; He turns it wherever He wishes." God can sway the hearts of your authority figures in order to get a message to you. Yes, that means your parents, even if they haven't been great parents or don't know the Lord. If you seek the advice of the Lord through your parents, He will turn their hearts wherever He wishes, thereby letting you know what is His will for this time or this person. God doesn't need them to be great parents or even spiritual to talk to you through them. If you seek Him, He will use both sets of parents as lane markers to guide you down the right path. If any of the parents is uncomfortable with the decision you are making, it is a sign that now is not the time to move forward. 

But I got my permission. So I'm going to move forward with this post.

So I asked my parents, I asked her, and I asked her parents, and now I'm in a courtship relationship. Essentially I like her, she likes me, and now she is my girlfriend. And that is awesome and I love it and life is good. But I'm still a leader, and I must still have a vision and plan.

You have to make sure you're not falling in glove.

Our job is now to get to know things about each other that we would only need to know if we were someday thinking about getting married. Of course we deepen our friendship, and we hang out more exclusively (in safe, non-tempting places at safe, non-tempting times --yes we had a curfew), and we spend time and do fun things together. But after a short while of dating, (you've already read about this if you read Bev's posts), we decided it was time to become well equipped in getting to know each other. I was ready to enroll in a class right from jump, but Bev wanted to wait a little while (which I think was smart). Please know that "a little while" was like 2 months. Not a year or even 6 months.

 We took a sort of pre-premarital counseling course called "So You Think You Want To Get Married." This course is designed not to help you stay together but to help you find out whether or not you should stay together. The teachers, Skip and Beverly Little, authors of So You Think You Want To Get Married (check them out at www.skipandbeverly.com), actually told us that the class is designed to break us up if we were not a good fit for each other. It takes some bravery (and some wisdom) to take that class. 

“ When you’re in love, you feel like you can make anything work. Too bad you won’t be in love forever.”

But we discovered that there are soooo many things that a courting couple must discuss and find out about each other before it is safe to make the decision to get engaged and married. This course taught me that there is no way a couple should be getting engaged without seeking some side of outside counseling BEFORE getting engaged. When you're in love, you feel like you can make anything work. Too bad you won't be in love forever. So you're going to need a cool set of eyes and unchanging set of principles to help you make your decisions while your decision making ability is impaired by love.

You have to discuss so many things about your own personal goals (that you made prior to or independently of your love interest), your values, your plans. You. Yourself. Not you and your boyfriend or girlfriend. Just you. And then you have to see if you both link up and if you both really are going in the same direction. I'm talking specific stuff too. We had to talk about things like what neighborhood we each wanted to live in, what we would do when family members wanted to borrow money, how we wanted to educate our children, and literally over 100 more topics. They even have one particular session where every person and their potential (their boyfriend or girlfriend) brings their parents (yes from all over the country and even the world) so that they can be educated on what to look for in their child's potential mate before they give their parental blessing.

Because of the things we learned and discussed in this class, we felt like we were as prepared as we could possibly be to take the next step. And we discovered that God was leading us forward. 

And the rest, you've already read about! I hope that I have demonstrated in the last few posts how the courtship mindset took a lot of the unnecessary questions and problems out of dating and hopefully even marriage for Beverly and me. And I hope it has challenged you to look at dating in a different light. One that will guide you more safely down the path God has for you.

See? I told you this was the last one! Ha! I knew it. Sorry it wasn't short though. But what are you gonna do? Am I right?      ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

We're In This Together

Stellarbration!

I'm talking about marriage right? No. I'm talking about ministry. And not in the holy way that people talk about marriage as your ministry, either. I'm talking about at least three rehearsals a week (during the slow season) and, if we're lucky, one service on Sunday. We're rarely that lucky, but I wouldn't trade it.

Christmas Production 2016

Rob and I have been serving in ministry together for years. Long before we were an "item" or even friends. I knew Rob as the guy who sang the high notes on solos on Sunday morning and who would always have a role in the large church productions (but would also be seen moving props). We became good friends and eventually girlfriend and boyfriend through working on a production for our churches middle school and high school ministry. We have each, in our own ways, encouraged each other to reach for higher heights in our ministry and to push beyond what we though we were able to do.

Ministry has fueled most of the moments that our relationship is made out of. Serving in ministry together allows us to go through the same things together. It gives us something to celebrate together. It gives us issues to be frustrated about together. It gives us accomplishments to celebrate together. It gives us problems to solve together. And every once in awhile, it gives us a rehearsal to skip together. 

Your standard selfie during church announcements.

I actually wanted to do a video showing all the times we are doing ministry together, but over the past week I kept forgetting to turn the camera on. Almost every time I would remember as Rob was pulling into my driveway to drop me back off at home. I may still try to put the video together just to see what our ministry schedule looks like from another perspective. 

“God comes first, then family, then ministry. Don’t get it twisted.”

Moving forward into marriage, ministry together is one of the big non-negotiable requirements Rob and I have set into place. We want to begin/continue serving in ministry where we can work together. Some of the ministries we are in now just require us to occupy the same space at the same time, but we're really big on working together. We also have to make sure that we aren't allowing church work to take over our time together. We want to set up good habits for our eventual (yes, eventual) family. God comes first, then family, then ministry. Don't get it twisted. 

The Lover's Pursuit - The Peace Interlude

When I started writing this, I typed, "I think this is the final installment of this subject." But as I was writing it and praying that I share what needs to be shared, I realized that this post needs to be an interlude from the story. This post needs to be about peace. One of the biggest things that single people like myself tend to struggle with, especially when it comes to dating and relationships, is peace.

When I trusted God with my platonic friendship with Bev, it meant that I let Him guide us both (keyword BOTH) in the direction our relationship was to be going. Because of that, at some point, both of us realized that we were heading towards something more. Both of us at this point realized that we were attracted to each other AND that it was time to start getting to know each other in subject matters that only two people heading towards the possibility of marriage would discuss. But also that meant it was time for someone to declare their intentions.

“If I am to be a leader in a marriage relationship, then I need to start by being a leader in a courtship relationship.”

Guess who's job that was? That's right. Mine. If I am to be a leader in a marriage relationship, then I need to start by being a leader in a courtship relationship. Yes, that meant taking the risk of her not wanting to go in the same direction as me. I didn't know yet where God had led her heart, but I did know what God was leading me to do at that moment, and that was to ask if I could court her.

Was I afraid? I was absolutely afraid. I was terrified. The fear of most guys who have cultivated a friendship with a girl (who, at some point have begun to think about possibly courting) is that they will ask this courtship (or dating relationship) of their friend, and their friend will be horrified and be their friend no longer. The other false mindset that adds to this fear is the idea that they personally cannot any longer choose to just be a friend to this person. Like it's do or die.

I wrestled with this fear and about a thousand others during the period of our friendship where I knew for a fact that I really really liked her. In fact this fear caused me much anxiety, mostly unfounded and unreasonable, during this time. But it was during this time that I learned something important about the peace of God that passes understanding talked about in Philippians 4:7.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

— Philippians 4:6-7

Sometimes us guys (or really girls too) can become overwhelmed with anxiety about the person they feel that they love, no matter the status of the relationship. This anxiety can manifest as almost crippling fear about whether the other person likes them, blinding jealousy and suspicion towards your boyfriend or girlfriend, or many other ways. In my life, I have had to deal heavily with both of those. Often it was because I had put myself in a bad situation or was trying to blur the friendship lines before it was time to transition to a courtship, but I dealt with this type of inner turmoil even when I was handling my relationships properly. Either way, that is why I love what I learned about this verse.

The key to understanding this verse for me was understanding that inside of me there are two people. There is me and then there is the Holy Ghost. That means that there is my peace and there is the peace of God. The peace of God is very different from the peace of Rob.

Rob's peace happens when everything is going well both internally and externally. Rob's peace is extremely volatile, unstable, and easily taken. This can be from outer circumstances or even just from a few inner thoughts. When Rob's peace is disturbed, it can cause him to say or do unwise things and be unable to function normally, even to do things that he HAS to do (like his job). Rob's peace is not always easily accessible and is not always accessible in the same way from situation to situation.

“Most times, it is actually a privilege to have the problem because the problem is a result of an answer to a previous prayer.”

God's peace is entirely different. God's peace is not dependent on circumstances. God's peace is also both easily and consistently accessible. To access God's peace, the verse says I must pray and humbly and submittedly (it's a word) present my request to God along with thanksgiving. This thanksgiving part is so important and also the first thing we forget about when problems arise. I try to always thank God for the problem itself. Most times, it is actually a PRIVILEGE to have the PROBLEM because the PROBLEM is a result of an answer to a PREVIOUS PRAYER (yes P's!) But that is a whole topic for another post. Point is, God's promise is if we pray about and thank God for the problem, His peace will guard us.

Now, remember, His peace is separate from our peace. So it is possible to have His peace while still not yet having our own peace. His peace is a guard. What does a guard do? A guard keeps things from getting in that should not be there. But a guard also keeps things IN that shouldn't be getting OUT. 

I think of it like an open pot of boiling water. My peace is the boiling water. God's peace turns off the flame below the pot and simultaneously puts a tight lid on the top of the pot. The water inside the pot will still boil for a short period of time, AND the lid will keep the heat in, thus slowing the cooling of the water. BUT the tight lid will also keep the water from boiling over OUT of the pot. In other words you can be about to cuss someone out, but God's peace will shut you up while you are still roiling inside. And while you are shut up, He can speak to you the words and wisdom that you need to hear to bring your own peace back. He can hold you until your circumstance allows your own peace to settle.  God's peace doesn't immediately take away the storm on either the inside or the outside, but God's peace does stop the damage from taking place in BOTH spaces.

“When God’s peace teaches you to seek God’s will, you can finally stop chasing after every smile and rushing yourself to every finish line.”

Eventually, God's peace will teach you how to not just ask Him for what you want but ask Him instead for what He wants. Instead of your request to God being to win the heart of that girl or guy, your request becomes, "I really like/love this person, but place us both where You want us to be." And then it will allow you to be ok with whatever the result is. And when God's peace teaches you to seek God's will, you can finally stop chasing after every smile and rushing yourself to every finish line.

And when you can calm down and decide to stop chasing after your own desires, and walk down the straight path of God's will instead, you will find that your desires have been sitting on that straight path the whole time.

And guess what. The first time I, in obedience to what I felt God was leading me to do, asked Bev if I could "take her off the market," she said no almost faster than I could get the words out. Did it upset me? Yes, a little. But she didn't throw me away. And by that point, I knew that I loved her whether she loved me back or not. So I didn't throw her away either. And because I had God's peace, the flame under my ready to boil pot didn't turn back on. I had both my peace and His peace. 

And I didn't treat her any differently than I had been. Her answer did not change for me the friendship we had built. And my question didn't change for her the friendship we had built. It only showed the both of us even more the good things about each other's character.

Rejection is ok when you have God's peace. Everything is ok when you have God's peace.

King Solomon said "The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe." One of His names is Jehovah-Shalom. Shalom means peace. You're always safe in His peace.

Can I Really Do This?

I might be the only one here who previously had a bad relationship and was afraid of getting into a new one. I'm sure that's not your story, but appease me for just a little while and listen to mine.

Trust. That was the thing that was hard for me to do. There was a time period where I like Rob, but I wasn't sure if I could trust him yet. You see, being vulnerable was hard. How could I be expected to let down all my walls and protection for this guy? I had bought into the notion of an independent woman. I didn't need anybody to help me. If I was going to get something or somewhere, no one else was going to be able to claim credit for it. Sistas are doing it for themselves! No one ever thinks that the princess in the castle may have put herself there.

It was safe in my walled fortress. There was no one in there but me, so when things went wrong I knew who to blame and who needed a talking-to. In my house made of stone, there was no one to clean up after but myself. Relationship would be messy and my fortress was only sized for one. 

One.

Just me.

But what I soon found was that the first one to pick up the chisel and chip away at my bricks was not Rob. The one who did not like my walled fortress most of all was God. You see, I knew of God and I knew the things that God wanted you to do, but (I'm saying this so much because I felt this so much) relationship would be messy and my fortress was safe. Inside my walls I would do what I knew God wanted me to do. I didn't kill, steal, lie, cheat, or curse (usually). I followed the rules, but there was no relationship. Even relationship with God seemed scary because how did I know I could really trust Him? How could I know He wouldn't put me into situations I didn't want to be in with no way out? 

So God picked up His chisel and little by little began to break down my walls. He showed me in real life what the Bible says to be true on paper:

“[He] will [not] leave you nor forsake you.”

— Deut 31:6 & Josh 1:5 & Heb 13:5

“the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. ”

— Josh 1:9

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. ”

— Psalms 23:4

Then came Rob. Those walls that were half broken by God, Rob came through with a bulldozer. Just kidding. He did repeatedly show me how strong a man of God he was and that just as I could trust God, I could trust him too. This trust did not come overnight, but over months. I wasn't all that good at relationship yet, so I wasn't going to jump head first into one. 

As Rob and I are preparing for marriage, there are still times when I think, "Can I really do this?" It is in those moments that I remember that I have a relationship with God first and I know that He will not let me down. If things are going haywire with any of my relationships here on earth, He'll take care of it. His guns are much bigger and stronger than my walls were.

The Lover's Pursuit (or The Loper's Pursuit) (or Why I Chose Courtship Over Dating) (Part 2)(There's a lot of parentheses here)

I love her! #thatisall.

Ok. So let's see. Where did I leave off last time? I think I was outlining some of the mindset differences between courtship and dating. If you're just joining us, don't. Go read part one first. Why? Because it's good and I worked really hard on it.

I spent most of my last post talking about the disadvantages of taking the dating mindset versus the courtship mindset. So in this post, I want to spend more time on the benefits of having a courtship mindset.

“They stay tryna get cuffed.”

Many of the people who dream of or desire to get married spend a lot of time hating their single status. They stay tryna get cuffed, naw mean? (No? You can't just let me be great, can you?) Much of the time that I was single, you couldn't convince me of this fact, but people need their time of being single. You have a lot of things within yourself and with God that you must resolve by yourself and with God. In my experience, some of the most important things that I needed to know about myself was what I was looking for in a wife preferentially, and what I actually needed in a wife practically.

Everyone has his or her list of what they like in the opposite sex, what they're looking for in a boyfriend or girlfriend. Usually parts of these lists are spot on in what God wants for you (since He does give you the desires of your heart), and parts of them make Him chuckle a little bit. But what many people don't have is an idea of the things they need in a spouse. Curves, muscles, jokes, and eye colors are nice, but how is this person going to help you achieve God's purpose for your life?

Pause here. Do you know God's purpose for your life? If you can't answer that question with certainty, you should probably put your whole dating game on pause. God expects us to figure Him out for ourselves before we try to add others into the mix. Check out Rick Warren's The Purpose Driven Life for a start.

Unpause. So I had my list of likes and dislikes. But I had to learn two things. I had to learn (through God's leadership and wisdom) what I truly needed (what I absolutely had to have to function) in a wife, and I had to learn not to compromise on what I knew I needed. Early on in my dating life, a pretty girl with a marginally decent personality who paid me even a little attention was enough to get me compromising on things I didn't need to be compromising on. And I'm not even talking about sin issues. I'm just talking about traits I needed in a wife.

“Just because you like that person doesn’t mean it’s time to date that person.”

So that brings me to the next thing I learned. Just because you like that person doesn't mean it's time to date that person. You could be head over heels infatuated with them, and he or she could be a truly great, God-loving, God-serving person and STILL be one of the worst mistakes of both of your lives. Or at the least, dating that person could send you both through unnecessary heartbreak or frustration. This is why I chose the courtship mindset.

Courtship provides structure and accountability that dating does not provide. With dating, you see someone you like, someone you think you may have chemistry with, and you start dating them. You start casually. "Oh we've gone on a couple dates. Then somewhere in there you kind of move to the "what are we?" phase where one or the both of you doesn't really want to date anyone else, but you technically could. And if you're lucky enough to have a decent partner, at some point, you "get serious." Whatever that means. Eventually the other person becomes your boyfriend or girlfriend. But there is usually no real plan in place for how to proceed from there.

Courtship is very different and follows this basic structure:

1. 1. Acquaintance
2. 2. Friendship
3. 3. Courtship
4. 4. Engagement
5. 5. Marriage

I'm sure some of you scholars could break this down into a much more involved structure, but my point is that courtship's structure is very clear. It takes the emotional questions of status out of the picture. With the courtship mindset, you start with being an acquaintance. You just know each other. Maybe you hang in some of the same circles or are friends with their friends. When you plan to follow the courtship structure, chemistry with another person is never ever ever ever a green light. It is either a yellow light that says proceed with caution, or, depending on the type of chemistry we're talking about, it could actually be a red light. With Beverly, the spark I had for her (which she at the time did not have at all for me), was a yellow light.

After the acquaintance period (which obviously can be long or short), you move to a period of some length (duration being led by God, your mentors, and your parents) where you are friends. Just friends. Platonic, don't-owe-nobody-nothing friends. Not the kissing kind. No "benefits" here, buddy. If you maintain friendship boundaries, it is possible to be just friends with a person on whom you have a crush. I would even say that if you or your love interest feels like you can't "just be friends," that is a red flag about whoever feels that way. Very possibly a self control issue.

It is during this time of platonic friendship where the both of you get to observe (and enjoy) each other in a less emotionally charged environment. Mostly (though not completely exclusively in my opinion) in public, semi-public, and group environments. You definitely shouldn't be spending time in each other's bedroom.

It was during my friendship with Bev that I carefully and constantly evaluated my priorities, motives, and my list of needs and wants. I knew that I needed a wife who could practice a 1 Corinthians 13 love with me. I needed someone who shared a few of my interests because I needed someone who I could do ministry WITH. I also needed a person who would fit well with my existing set of friends and who would fit well with my family. I knew I wanted to be with someone who had the favor of God on their life. And these are just a few things that I needed to be able to find out.

During our friendship, God showed me over and over through Bev's character how much more than perfect she is for me.

These things cannot be found out in a few dates. I needed a good long time of friendship to find these things out. She had her list of things that she needed to find out about me too. You may ask, well how do you know if she was going to treat you with a 1 Corinthians 13 love? Well, because we had our time of friendship, I got to watch her practice it with other people. I got to watch how she treated her family. I got to watch how she treated people that did not treat her well. I got to find out how my family would feel about her BEFORE we were together as a couple. I got to watch God's favor on her life in many areas. How people act in these areas with other people is how they are going to act in those areas with you when the infatuation wears off.

And I had time to talk these things over with my father, with my family, with wise counsel, and with my friends to hear their thoughts about my friendship with her. Some people take issue with the accountability part of courtship. They don't care what their mom says or if several of their friends see something wrong. I was once one of those people. That is called pride. And I think we all know where pride leads you. I know I do because I got there several times before I truly humbled myself to be accountable to others.

I had one girl take offense to the fact that I really needed/wanted my friends to like her. She didn't feel like she should need the approval of my friends. I have learned that, I'm sorry, sweetheart, but h*** yes you need the approval of my friends! You need the approval of my friends, my family, my pastor, my other leaders, and anyone else who I feel God is using to hold me accountable. If you have a problem with that, then I can really easily throw your red flag having behind to the curb and QUICK (unfortunately I had not learned this principle at the time)(also sorry about the cuss - I bleeped it though, you're welcome).

This post is again getting long, and will evidently need a third installment. This is such a cursory glance at the courtship mindset, and there is so much that I am leaving unsaid. I really feel like I could write a book about this stuff. But ain't nobody ask me for a book, so ain't nobody getting one.

What I'm saying is I learned that it takes a period of friendship to discover certain things about the character of the person you are interested in. And these are things that you want to discover before you move into the next phase of courtship, which I will have to talk more about next time.

Letters From The Future

For this week's post I talked a few of my friends who have been married from as little as 8 months to as long as 35 years. By no means did I contact everyone I know who is married, but mostly people in my immediate vicinity (I am planning a wedding here people). What I found was interesting because no matter the length of the marriage, the answers were similar. In no way would I ever say that marriage is easy. On the contrary, most of what I've heard is that marriage is a lot of work. It seems, however, if you focus on a few things and work to do those really well, the benefits far outweigh the investments. I'll stop talking and let you hear a few inspiring words from the future...

*If you would like to contribute to this article with your answers to the questions (and you are currently married), I would love to add you in. Just send me your answers to the questions so that I can review them.

The conversation was started with a simple text message to these ladies containing three questions:

1. How long have you been married?
2. What's one lesson you've learned about marriage since being married?
3. What's your favorite thing about being married?

 

 

Here are the letters from the (my) future...

1. 8 months
2. In marriage, there are amazing times and there times that you say "what did I do", (lol) although of course you love your spouse despite the trying times. But the most important lesson I've learned is that you are a team, and in difficult times, if you have to take an "L" to make things better so be it. You are actually taking a step toward a "W", because that "L" is not a Loss, but a Win essentially because you are choosing to put your marriage first, by putting your feelings and pride to the side for the success of your marriage. 
3. Having lifelong support and companionship, that is one of the most rewarding and fulfilling treasures about marriage. You don't have to go through life, circumstances, good or bad times alone. You always have your spouse by your side to weather and live life!

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1. I have been married for 1 year and 2 months.
2. One lesson that I have learned is that my husband is God's son. To be there for my family and to continue to be in my relationship with my husband, I have to stay in relationship with God and continuously pray for my husband and my marriage. It's so important to let God give me direction and guidance to interact everyday with my husband.
3. My favorite thing about being married is that I get to learn new things about my husband everyday. That I have each and every day with my assignment as a wife to be the wife that God has called me to be to my husband. Even though I am not always perfect at it, I get to try and I love to be his helpmate.

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1. 1 year, 11 months
2. I've learned to let the little things go.
3. I love sharing my life with my best friend. Waiting for him to wake up so we can start the day together.

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1. 6 years of marriage. 
2. Clear/honest communication and compromise are key for longevity. 
3. I married my best friend. We are able to get mad and then laugh together within a reasonable time because we both realize that most things "are not that serious" and we trust the process that God has allowed us to share together forever. 

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1. We have been married for almost 10 years.
2. I've learned so many things and I'm still learning. It's a never ending process. Taking the time to study what he likes/needs…giving him affirmation is one thing. Building him up and acknowledging that he's doing a great job as a husband and father. Being his friend!
3. My favorite thing is the friendship! Best friends! The inside jokes…conversations. You become that confidant when times are hard and it all stays between the two of you. It's a freedom to be who you are and vulnerable without judgement! A bond! But it takes work! It's not easy…but it's so rewarding!

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1. Married for 35 years
2. Marriage is a deliberate effort. It takes work but it's not too hard when you're in love with your husband. Even submitting to your husbandisn't hard when you're with someone who is really in love with you. It's easy to submit to Godly leadership.
3. My favorite thing in our marriage is traveling together. We've had so many experiences together and met so many different people. It's never boring and we have so many good memories we can revisit. Inside jokes too.

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God. Work. Friendship. Compromise. 

It seems these are a few of the pillars to a good marriage. I hope to be able to say some of the things these women shared when I'm 8 months, 2 years, or 35 years into my marriage. Don't think I'm building my marriage solely off of marriage advice though. Dating takes a lot of work too. But more on that in a future post.

“; )”

I want to say a huge thank you to the women who volunteered to answer my questions and be a part of this article. 

The Lover's Pursuit (or The Loper's Pursuit) (or Why I Chose Courtship Over Dating)

I will never forget the magic in the air the first time she sang for me. The pleasantness of her voice. The sparkle in her eyes. The feeling was electrifying, with the voltage therein leaving me clueless as to what to do with myself. Nor will I forget the intensity of my sudden awareness at being touched the first time she held my hand. She barely remembers these moments as they were both fleeting and perfectly within her sweet nature, but I was spellbound beyond the ability to forget.

The paragraph above is completely true and it is about Bev. And I will forever cherish those moments. It sounds like something out of a movie or a book, moments everyone longs to have with their love. However, the contents of the paragraph above are completely insufficient to begin a dating or courtship relationship with anyone.

For purposes of this post, I am going to exclude from the "dating" category those who "date" in order to end up with their pants off or their legs open. That's not dating, that's mating.

First off, let me start by delineating a little bit of the difference between dating and courting. Dating and courting are at times imperceptibly similar and at other times vastly different. In my  humble opinion, the two biggest differences are mindset and structure. The courtship mindset allows for a more timely, less emotionally charged evaluation of your potential love interest and how fit you are for each other (more on this later). Courtship is also more structured than dating (more on this later too). People need structure. Without structure there is confusion. Without walls, a building lacks stability. Without lane boundaries and road signs, a road sees more accidents.  And that is exactly what dating often tends to be. A structure with little stability and a road without signs (or a road with unproven, homemade signs). It's like moving into a house with only a floor and a ceiling and trying to build the walls later. Anybody who spent this week looking for dating advice on the internet knows what I am talking about.

Dating on any level is deeply emotional.  It is emotional because, however well guarded and hidden they are, you take your life's hopes and dreams with you on every first date and on every date after that. Or you practice casual dating because of your dislike or fear of being alone mixed with your distrust of the other gender or your reluctance to put in the emotional work. Any way you slice it, it's deeply emotional.

Dating is also confusing and counterintuitive (the way most people do it). It is confusing and counterintuitive because often, you are tricking your heart into reaching a deeper level of intimacy (that you barely share with your best friend who you've known for years) with an almost complete stranger. Or even if you've known Jason from accounting for a little while or Sharon has been hanging out in your extended circle of friends for a while, you are essentially extending a deeply emotional line of credit to a person who has barely passed through even basic underwriting (sorry, I'm a banker, but you get the point). Most times dating couples start acting more like they're married than the strangers or acquaintances that they really are.

Furthermore, oftentimes people choose the most ephemeral, passing, intangible things as their entire basis for dating someone. Just like it is a bad investment to buy stock in a company you know nothing about, it is also a bad investment to search for or attempt a deep connection with a virtual stranger. It's essentially playing the lottery with your heart and hoping you hit the jackpot when the odds are a million to one (make that 7 billion to one) that you won't be the loser.

You say, "Oh Rob, how do you know? You don't even know what you are talking about." And you're entitled to your opinion. But I can tell you that I have made that investment of my blood, sweat, tears, and time equity into virtual strangers. In the very face of better wisdom, I have still bought the emotional scratch offs and played the love power ball, and I did not win even one time. It almost destroyed me emotionally, spiritually, financially, and even did some physical damage.

Because of my outlook on dating and my bad choices, I have had relationships that were emotionally and psychologically abusive. One girl got me to the point where she was able to feed me damaging and untrue things to say out loud about my own self, and I would say them and believe them. That relationship bordered on physical abuse as well, and would have gone there if I had not ended it. Another one spun a web of lies around me so deep that I came out of the other side with a diagnosis and prescription for anxiety medication (which I haven't needed since I left that bad situation). Because of decisions I made for her out of trust in her web of lies, I almost ended up saddled with $10,000 of debt, which would have also destroyed or at least greatly hindered my career.

Why am I telling you things that make me look like I was a moron? Because I was a moron. And I don't want you to be a moron. I want you to be a smart. I like to think that I am now a smart, and I would like for you to be a smart as well. Proverbs 21:11 says, "When a scoffer is punished, the simple is made wise; but when the wise is instructed, he receives knowledge." I remember the first time I read that, because the Lord told me that that verse was talking about me.

“I don’t want you to be a moron. I want you to be a smart.”

Let me break the verse down a little for you.

Scoffer = moron. When a scoffer is punished = when a moron learns the hard way. In other words, A moron only becomes wise by learning the hard way, but a wise person only has to hear wisdom in order to know the right choices to make. Am I implying that Jesus called me a moron? Yes. Because I was a moron. Two-edged sword, people. God's love doesn't always feel good (but that's for another post and another day). I learned many of my lessons the hard way when there was wisdom freely available to me.

Wow, this post is getting a little long. Sounds like it's going to be a two (or more but hopefully not) parter. Let me just leave you with this.

Most people start an entire relationship with the smoke and mirrors magic of what I started this post with. And there is nothing wrong with magic. I think every person in a courtship and marriage relationship should be striving to provide their partner with some magic on a regular basis. But what the beginning of this post lacked was substance. So let me end this post with a better beginning.

I will never forget the magic in the air the first time she sang for me. The pleasantness of her voice. The sparkle in her eyes. The feeling was electrifying, with the voltage therein leaving me clueless as to what to do with myself. Nor will I forget the intensity of my sudden awareness at being touched the first time she held my hand. She barely remembers these moments as they were both fleeting and perfectly within her sweet nature, but I was spellbound beyond the ability to forget.

But sparkles and touches don't compare with the day that she changed her plans in order to support me while I unexpectedly handled something of which I was very afraid. Magic and static electricity have nothing on the day she used her laptop to create my monthly schedule with me when she saw I so badly needed it.

It was during our extended time of being nothing more than friends that I saw these things so telling of her character. She wasn't even considering me as a prospect. But Bev's choices gave me glimpses into who she really is. And I discovered that I really liked who Bev really is.

Stay tuned for part 2.