We're In This Together

Stellarbration!

I'm talking about marriage right? No. I'm talking about ministry. And not in the holy way that people talk about marriage as your ministry, either. I'm talking about at least three rehearsals a week (during the slow season) and, if we're lucky, one service on Sunday. We're rarely that lucky, but I wouldn't trade it.

Christmas Production 2016

Rob and I have been serving in ministry together for years. Long before we were an "item" or even friends. I knew Rob as the guy who sang the high notes on solos on Sunday morning and who would always have a role in the large church productions (but would also be seen moving props). We became good friends and eventually girlfriend and boyfriend through working on a production for our churches middle school and high school ministry. We have each, in our own ways, encouraged each other to reach for higher heights in our ministry and to push beyond what we though we were able to do.

Ministry has fueled most of the moments that our relationship is made out of. Serving in ministry together allows us to go through the same things together. It gives us something to celebrate together. It gives us issues to be frustrated about together. It gives us accomplishments to celebrate together. It gives us problems to solve together. And every once in awhile, it gives us a rehearsal to skip together. 

Your standard selfie during church announcements.

I actually wanted to do a video showing all the times we are doing ministry together, but over the past week I kept forgetting to turn the camera on. Almost every time I would remember as Rob was pulling into my driveway to drop me back off at home. I may still try to put the video together just to see what our ministry schedule looks like from another perspective. 

“God comes first, then family, then ministry. Don’t get it twisted.”

Moving forward into marriage, ministry together is one of the big non-negotiable requirements Rob and I have set into place. We want to begin/continue serving in ministry where we can work together. Some of the ministries we are in now just require us to occupy the same space at the same time, but we're really big on working together. We also have to make sure that we aren't allowing church work to take over our time together. We want to set up good habits for our eventual (yes, eventual) family. God comes first, then family, then ministry. Don't get it twisted. 

Can I Really Do This?

I might be the only one here who previously had a bad relationship and was afraid of getting into a new one. I'm sure that's not your story, but appease me for just a little while and listen to mine.

Trust. That was the thing that was hard for me to do. There was a time period where I like Rob, but I wasn't sure if I could trust him yet. You see, being vulnerable was hard. How could I be expected to let down all my walls and protection for this guy? I had bought into the notion of an independent woman. I didn't need anybody to help me. If I was going to get something or somewhere, no one else was going to be able to claim credit for it. Sistas are doing it for themselves! No one ever thinks that the princess in the castle may have put herself there.

It was safe in my walled fortress. There was no one in there but me, so when things went wrong I knew who to blame and who needed a talking-to. In my house made of stone, there was no one to clean up after but myself. Relationship would be messy and my fortress was only sized for one. 

One.

Just me.

But what I soon found was that the first one to pick up the chisel and chip away at my bricks was not Rob. The one who did not like my walled fortress most of all was God. You see, I knew of God and I knew the things that God wanted you to do, but (I'm saying this so much because I felt this so much) relationship would be messy and my fortress was safe. Inside my walls I would do what I knew God wanted me to do. I didn't kill, steal, lie, cheat, or curse (usually). I followed the rules, but there was no relationship. Even relationship with God seemed scary because how did I know I could really trust Him? How could I know He wouldn't put me into situations I didn't want to be in with no way out? 

So God picked up His chisel and little by little began to break down my walls. He showed me in real life what the Bible says to be true on paper:

“[He] will [not] leave you nor forsake you.”

— Deut 31:6 & Josh 1:5 & Heb 13:5

“the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. ”

— Josh 1:9

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. ”

— Psalms 23:4

Then came Rob. Those walls that were half broken by God, Rob came through with a bulldozer. Just kidding. He did repeatedly show me how strong a man of God he was and that just as I could trust God, I could trust him too. This trust did not come overnight, but over months. I wasn't all that good at relationship yet, so I wasn't going to jump head first into one. 

As Rob and I are preparing for marriage, there are still times when I think, "Can I really do this?" It is in those moments that I remember that I have a relationship with God first and I know that He will not let me down. If things are going haywire with any of my relationships here on earth, He'll take care of it. His guns are much bigger and stronger than my walls were.

Everything I Ever Wanted

Please excuse me while I gush on my fiancé for just a moment. In the spirit of Valentine's day and everything. Don't worry, this won't take long. 

Sometime's I just sit back and watch Rob and think about how I ended up with him. Usually it amazes me, because if I alone were doing the picking I don't know if I would have picked him. You guys read the story about my list. All the dumb things that were on my list did not equate to Rob. I am so glad that I did not end up engaged to someone based on my list alone. 

The first thing that stood out to me about Rob was the way he pursued me. It wasn't in any crazy, overt, "Girl, you cute. I want to be with you." type of way (you know you know those guys), but he got to know me with no pressure. I wrote down a couple of years ago that I wanted to be friends first with the next guy I dated. Rob and I became friends easily. He even stayed my friend, and our relationship did not change, after I told him I didn't want to be more than friends that first time he asked me out. Now eventually, the friends to more than friends transition was awkward for me sometimes, but it was leaps and bounds better than the "girl, you cute" guy. 

The next thing that was great about Rob was that he had a plan. We weren't just saying we're together for the fun of saying we're together. This relationship was going somewhere on purpose. Sometime, it took me a minute to catch up but he was more than willing to wait. For example, we had been dating a little over a month when he asked me if we wanted to sign up for the "So You Think You Want To Get Married" class at the church. I was taken aback thinking "I don't even know you're favorite color yet" (which is partially true). So he waited until I was comfortable with moving forward and didn't bring it up again. About a month or so later I told him we could go ahead and sign up for the class.

Another thing about Rob is that he always thinks about me first. He's way better at thinking about me first than I am about doing the same for him. In every decision he makes he either thinks about how it will affect me or he just out right calls me and asks for my opinion. It baffles me sometimes the way that he puts my wants and needs as such a high priority. I know people say that this is how it's supposed to be, but I can't be the only girl out here who just didn't think it would happen this way for her. I knew I would end up with a good guy, no one imagines themselves with a bad guy, but this good of a guy?? People just don't get this lucky.

There are so many other things that I would go on about. He is a great leader at work, in ministry, and for me. He is a phenomenal spiritual leader for us. He is willing to work hard and do whatever it takes to make sure that we are taken care of. Even if we have to sacrifice stuff, he makes sure that we never sacrifice happiness. He takes care of me better than I take care of myself. He is goofy and will do anything to make me smile.

To borrow a line from Tyler Perry's Madea's Family Reunion:

“You are a breathtaking reflection of God’s love for me.”

How I Got My Man

Let's rewind to about this time in 2013. I was having some of the best experiences of my life. Experiences I still look back on with a smile. I was going to be working with a major recording artist in the official events of the Inauguration weekend. I attended THE Inaugural Ball (which is a crazy funny story between my best friend and I). I joined the Young Adult Choir at FBCG. That first rehearsal I accidentally sat on the alto side of the choir stand. I've been trying to work my way back over there ever since. All that, and yet the relationship between my boyfriend and I was an absolute mess.

There are too many stories than you have time to read of the stupid things that I did and the crazy things that he said. It's not even important to the real point. I was broken and I had no business in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship anyway. I know that now. That's not at all what it looked like to me at the time. In my mind, I needed a man. He was there. So, I needed him.

“I needed a man. He was there. So, I needed him.”

Then he was gone.

That's when my search began. I mean I was man hungry (and that is no exaggeration). I found myself planning my wedding with almost every nice and attractive man I saw. I had picked out the paint colors of our nursery for every man who offered me his seat on the metro (don't worry, it wasn't many. Do better gentlemen.). It was too much. I was too much and I needed to stop.

That is when I decided to do a year without dating. I noticed something in myself that needed serious fixing and I decided to do something about it. I had heard several sermons suggesting the idea of going some time with the determination that you would not date or even look for dates and I decided to give it a try. Let's be clear though, it wasn't as though there were constantly men knocking down my door. There weren't. It was me, not them, that needed to be reigned in. It was me who needed to refocus.

I started on Valentine's Day 2014. There was no special purpose behind using that date. It just happened to be that time of year when I decided to take up this endeavor. I will admit though, I did like the irony of deciding to no longer date on the biggest day of the year for dating.

At first it started as mostly turning down the offers for dates that I was not receiving anyway. Check. Done. Easy. Than came the much harder part. I needed to figure out why it was that I felt like I needed a man. Where was this out of control hunger coming from? So I looked back to where I know I'm always supposed to look when I need direction. I looked to the Bible. Please notice that this is where I know I'm supposed to look when I need direction, not where I actually always look. I do not want it to seem like Bev has it all together. Believe me, I know her, she doesn't.

“The need I was trying to fill with a man wasn’t meant for any man on earth to satisfy.”

When I looked to the scriptures I realized that the need I was trying to fill with a man wasn't meant for any man on earth to satisfy. I had forgotten how to lean onto the love of Jesus. I'd learned how to tune out the voice of God. I wasn't measuring up to His standard so I threw it away for what I though was a better one. I heard a preacher say recently that you should keep people around you who won't celebrate your mediocrity. I had those people. I should have listened.

Possibly the biggest realization of the whole endeavor was that I wasn't up to the standard that I had set for my future husband. The man of my dreams, that nice and attractive man who gave me his seat on the metro, wouldn't want a person like who I was. 

So, I practiced. I'm not sure about you, but I've never had someone lay their hands on me and then I heard God's voice clearly everyday following. I had to work to turn down my voice and turn up His. I had to practice "leaning not on my own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5). I messed up a few times on my way to believing I was "fearfully and wonderfully made." (Psalm 139:14).

Oh my goodness. This is getting long already and I'm nowhere near where Rob comes in the picture. I know we don't have a comment section, but hit the like button to let me know you want to hear the rest of the story. I can do a special post or kick Rob off his next one or something. Lol.